Should I have?

Cattiness. I’ve always had trouble getting along with all most some girls.

I was wearing a white pencil skirt and a maroon (old lady) top to work yesterday. No jewelry save for my pearl earrings. Not very corp-y, just a slightly professional, harmless outfit. Kind of grama-ish. The CEO was visiting so we were advised to look polished.

I walked past two girls and one of them asked audibly “Sasayaw ka?” (Are you going to dance?)

My ears pricked. I knew that subtly catty comment was meant for me and my “costume”.

I turned around and said “Fuck you!”

Not.

Why not?

• It may have not meant anything.
• It may not have been meant for me.
• I didn’t want to cause trouble.

In truth, I am a senstive mouse. Nah, I’m just plain chicken. I didn’t even bother looking at the girl’s face. I never found out who it was.

Should I have?

“My you’ve grown!”

I’ve always been big for my age. Not exactly fat, but big and tall. In Tagalog, this is what we call malaking bulas. For Pinoys, where everyone is so cute and tiny, I got left out.

I developed quite fast, too. Everything came early for me: walking, speaking, table manners, schooling a year ahead of most kids, cutting classes, etc.

I got scared and ashamed of my own body when the neighbors warned me against biking in the rain at age 8 — my breasts were taking shape.

I’ve always felt strange because I couldn’t relate to most kids, especially girls my age. I placed it in the back of my mind because I got busy joining singing contests, writing contests, science clubs, drama clubs, etc. Dorkiness became my refuge.

I got through school and got a job facing people. I could no longer hide. And I am still developing at breakneck speed. At age 22, I already feel like I’m 30 (see About). I have spider/varicose veins, cellulite, a huge waist, huge hips, etc.

My boyfriend insists that this is normal. I can’t really tell for sure since I don’t know that many girls. Most of my cousins and friends are tall and skinny like models.

He says my body simply is catching up with my career. I got my first promotion (a very sedentary job) at age 20 and another at age 21. Which is why I find it hard to relate to girls my age.

This blog is, in part, a way for me to ask people out there if this is, indeed, normal. If not, I have to move to the US where I am relatively small compared to most white people. Hehe.

i wonder what I will look like when i do hit 30. I’m scared.

thanks www.mvm.com for the avatar.