I am Finn Bell


I stopped going to Paradiso Perduto.
I put aside fantasy and the wealthy..

… and the heavenly muse
who did not want me.

None of it would happen to me again.
I’d seen through it

 I elected to grow up.

 

  
                  
Who’d gotten my life in order? Me.
I was in control. 
                  
And everything I wanted, I had.

 
The night
all my dreams came true. 
                  
Like all happy endings it was
a tragedy, of my own device. 
                  
For I’d succeeded.
I’d cut myself loose… 
                  
… from Joe, from the past,
from the gulf, from poverty. 
                  
I had invented myself. 
                  
I had done it cruelly,
but I had done it. I was free.

 

I remember watching you
from that very window.

Scared little mouse scurrying across
my garden and through my front door

Now another door opens.
What will our mouse do?

 

And you’re self-taught?
                  
That was a gift.
Finn always had it. 
                  
Seven months old, his sister and I took
him to the beach. He drew in the sand. 
                  
One night he took Maggie’s best
perfume and drew with it in the street. 
                  
He poured it all out,
and then he lit it… 
                  
Just up in flames. The most beautiful
designs you ever saw. Just…

Nothing had lessened it as much
as I had abused it, abandoned it

It was a gift, and it was still mine

And everything else was less real.  
                  
What can it mean?
That picture of the world.                  
But when it’s true, we recognize it
in ourselves, in others.                 
We recognize it, like love,
completely undeserved.

 

A lot of people hated that movie. But this  stream of consciousness likes it.

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