Quarantine Confessions

It has been a few weeks into the enhanced community quarantine here in the Philippines. I have not been earning any money for two weeks now. And I’m totally out of antidepressants.

Before this turns into a ranting complain-o-rama, I’m going to list all the things that make me lucky – disgustingly lucky:

1. I am a bi-lingual, middle class, BPO-worker living in a small cozy studio condo with no kids.
2. My sweet, wonderful, and supportive husband is working full-time at home.
3. There is a cute little pop-up meat and vegetable market right next door.
4. My next-door neighbor is a semi-retired but super sharp nurse.
5. Most of my family and friends are keeping me afloat online with communication, love, and laughter.
6. My town has one of the best local governments in the land.

For all these and more, I am truly grateful. So why so serious? This is a confession of my privilege but also of my vulnerability and self-loathing.

I have set my mind to be productive and creative throughout this quarantine period. I was planning to:

• keep working on my backlog projects so I can be up to speed if and when we report back to work
• paint cards for the sick and for the frontliners
• write the chronicles of our videochat roleplaying game (Hi, Sunday Gamers!)
• exercise
• design more houses in Sims 4
• donate, give back

And I have done nothing. My energy is so depleted though I have all the time in the world to rest.

I feel guilty of not being able to make or eat dinner although I truly enjoy cooking. Mornings are better since I have my appetite and I do a bit of gardening from my window. I make great lunch food so I make big batches.

I sleep too much. Little things make me cry spontaneously. Like the word frontliner.

I was diagnosed with depression about a year ago. I am a classic case of not handling it well. I have probably had it longer than I care to discuss but I have been coping… badly. I do my insanely creative and awesome job badly. I haven’t been the best of friends to people who have literally saved me.

I rarely go to therapy because it’s expensive. My meds have tapered down to a fluoxetine pill every other day for about six months now. Since the quarantine, I am back to taking one every day. I haven’t told my doc yet because I haven’t seen her since October.

My amazing husband has the quarantine pass so he can get my meds today. I hope the drugstore is ok with my prescription, which is a few months old.

Also, he has purchased extra gallons of alcohol to give to family. He has given 4 extra gallons to my favorite organization, the Shiphrah Birthing Home and Lying-in Clinic in Taytay. Today he will be giving trays of eggs to my mom and dad. Told you guys, amazing.

He has been constantly reminding me that it’s ok. That it’s gonna be ok. I have a firm belief that things are gonna be ok, despite the third-world style emergency response. I have firm hope that we will come out of this as better people.

What I’m having trouble believing in is if I, as a person, am OK. If I am good. If I am brave. If I am kind. If I am tolerable. If I’m doing enough. I’m staying put. It’s the least I can do.

Talking about my brain is not easy but I want you to know that if you have been feeling this way, you’re not alone. I hope this helps.

For free mental health counseling
https://news.abs-cbn.com/life/04/06/20/la-salle-offers-free-online-counseling-service

To donate to the midwives of Taytay, Rizal
http://www.helpintl.org/shiphrah-birthing-home.html

Footnotes to a Scandal

This post is about a leaked sex video of a well-loved, powerful figure in Pinoy Rock and his artista-search girlfriend.

Call me a prude but I feel uncomfortable about the idea of internet sex scandals. It’s the same feeling I get when I hear torrid secrets about someone. I feel like I’m violating the privacy of living, breathing people who I might bump into in the mall one of these days. But that’s just me. I understand why people get a certain thrill peeking into someone’s private moments. What more if the video features someone who is immensely cool?

 But this post is not about how right or wrong the existence of the video is, it’s about how people reacted to said video.

I heard about the video from a friend over a plate of longsilog. He shared how his “rocker” friends felt about the scandal. They felt upset that this highly respected figure, not only got robbed of his laptop, but also of his dignity. They felt no sympathy, however, for the girl. Slut-shaming words got passed around the lunch table. My friend did not say whether he shared his friends’ opinions. But, by repeating their sympathies, you can guess how he felt about it.

“Why?” I had to ask.

Our lunch party, most of which had watched the video, reasoned that it was she who did all the work. Another round of slut-shaming, please.

After being gobsmacked for a good two minutes, I tried to sound as light-hearted as everyone did about the scandal. “I’d be sad if I did all the work and my man just lay there.”

Someone had to joke “I salute the guy for having his girl do all the necessary work.”

Once again –me —  gobsmacked.  MUST.  REMIND. MYSELF. These are my friends. I know them to be highly intelligent people who have established a career in an egalitarian working environment. This is 2013, not 1952. I could not think of a word to say.

Would it be different if the guy was not the pop-rock superstar of the last 10-20 years (and more years to come, I bet)? Would it be different if she were not a reality show starlet that I’ve never heard of until now? Maybe yes, maybe no. But this sounds eerily familiar to how husbands merely raise eyebrows when they cheat… but wives raise hell when they do. Power breeds reverence. The powerful can do no wrong.

Should we feel bad for these celebrities who got exposed? Sure. Should we call them stupid for keeping that video in an easily-nicked-away laptop, therefore, in effect, exposing themselves? Should we point the finger, instead, to the person who uploaded the video on Facebook. Sure. Maybe.  Who am I to judge?

If we are to feel scorn or sympathy towards the people involved, wouldn’t it be fair to pour it equally on both the male and female stars of the video? After all, (pardon the cliché) it takes two to tango. She’s not just some groupie or a one-night stand. As it turns out, she’s his girlfriend. They were having sex just like millions of other couples do.

 I’m not super worried about the public life of the couple (their private life may be a completely different story) A sex video has not hurt someone’s popularity in the long run. In some cases, it may even boost it. (Hello Maricar? Hello Hayden? Hello Kim Kardashian?) His music will still be as awesome and his band popular in the many years to come.

 I’m more worried about us. How we expose ourselves by making “harmless” jokes and comments about famous and distant people.

 I don’t exactly blame my friends for making such comments.  They were said in jest over a nice lunch group date. It’s not easy to break off from a patriarchal society where boys will be boys, but girls who initiate and enjoy sex are always sluts. We were all raised to think that way.

Sorry if I sound preachy. I hate it when I take things way too seriously, but living in a patriarchal chauvinistic society is no joke.

Waisted Happiness

Norway’s tragedy make me sad.

Our President’s weak promises make me mad.

So I pray and count my blessings. Right now, happiness for Waisty is:

1. Being healthy –  I never thought it would be so much fun. I have some kind of 1 hour exercise at least 4 times a week — either biking, swimming or boxing (see Number 2) I love eating veggies so eating healthy wasn’t much of a stretch. I feel great about making baon a priority. I feel great. I feel stronger and less sickly now.  Madali lang pala. Don’t tell my mom and my lolo kasi mga one-upper yung mga yun, aapihin lang ako. They like harping me on my weaknesses. They keep me in line that way.
2. Boxing – I tried two sessions. Every inch of my body hurts but I’ll be back for more. I normally suck at sports but I feel good about boxing. I feel strong, fast, healthy… and beautiful. Thanks to The Goat Locker Boxing Gym in Marikina.
3. Excellent Customer Service from this dude from SM Marikina. Sabi namin tuloy “Gusto mo bang mag-call center?”
4. Organic Beauty Care … it’s local and it’s affordable. I know I sound like an ad but i luvluvluv humanheartnature!
5. Buying a new house. Yessss! We’re almost there!
6. Love. ‘Nuff said.
7. Giving my mom a nice hair dye. (i’m kinda good at this)
8. Experiencing all this with my awesome family.

There will be posts (and pics!) about each little piece of happiness. But right now, I need a massage so I can work tonight. Now let that be pieces #9 and #10!

New Link: Reluctant Stylista

Featured Blog: Reluctant Stylista 

I asked one cool Filipina to join my blogroll. She is a great inspiration for girls who are not of the cookie-cutter kind.

Check out her blog here.

Thanks, Alex, for sharing your adventures in fashion with us.

The Horrorist

Here’s something I got from Manila ToyCon 2011. It’s strange that I went to a ToyCon and all I bought was comics. Still a true book and comics lover.

I got interested because it’s a spinoff from Hellblazer (the John Constantine comics, you noobs!) I really enjoyed it because I can relate to Constantine. We both can be big emotional blockheads. I won’t give a review because I don’t wanna give any spoilers.

 

 

 

ToyCon Manila 2011

Arrived Day 2 at around 7PM so there wasn’t much to see. But here you go: Enjoy!

Food Rabbit

Happy Easter Folks!

Remember this post?

Here’s a little fella out for revenge

Stuff I Found Online: Aw Chucks! It melts my heart!

I’ll stop the world and melt with shoe.

You’ve seen the difference and its getting better all the time.

There’s nothing you and I won’t do.

I’ll stop the world and melt with shoe.

Where oh where can I find this shoe?

Stuff I Found Online: KnockKnock.biz

Awesomeness. This tickled the OC Bitch in me.

Nakiki-uso lang ako

Dear God,

The year 2009 has already been tough for us,  and we’ve only been halfway through it.

The economy is bad. People are losing jobs. Our leaders are lost and blinded.

We need heroes. People to look up and give us hope. People that makes us try to be more than human.

Please don’t take another legend away. We already lost people like Francis M and Michael Jackson.

Their lives may be messed up at some points or another but I love their music and their message.

Why did You have to pour burning genius into paper vessels? Was it to have  genius burst and spread out to the world?

Or maybe was it just to show that to be human is to be weak?

Or maybe was it to have that burst of light much needed by somebody?

I have always shunned your gifts for me because I felt like a weak vessel.

And now you have given me two sparks to look up to. Then I realize that there are many others burning in me all along. Then I realize that maybe I have my own fire.

Genius or Not, it may just be the spark needed by somebody else.

God, help me keep this fire as long as I can.

AMEN.

Nakiki-uso lang ako